The “Hot Potato” Reaction That Parents Should Watch Out For

Teenage anger is no joke. Raging hormones, changing friendships, and school stressors are just a few reasons teens tend to act out. And who gets the brunt of their emotions? You guessed it—their parents. While we’ll always be there for them, being targeted like a punching bag isn’t ideal or fun. In a recent TikTok, parenting expert Dr. Lucie Hemmen offers a great solution for when your tween or teen is in a mood, needs someone to take it out on, and you happen to be the closest target.

@dr.luciehemmen

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♬ original sound – Dr.LucieHemmen

She calls it the “Hot Potato” reaction, and this is how she explains it: “If I’m a teenager, and I’m mad at myself, or I’m mad at the world because I dropped the ball, or I failed to plan something well, and so I have a raging internal conflict, which is a lot for me to tolerate at my delicate age, what I’d rather do—this is not conscious, it’s unconscious—I’d rather take that internal fight that I’m having with myself that feels so horrible, and I’d rather toss that hot potato I’m holding inside onto you and see what you do with it. I am going to say something provocative so that you will engage with me, and then I can have a fight with you, and then I can offload some of my horrible internal tension and then be grumpy with you.”

Why do they do this? Well, there’s a biological reason for teenage anger. Lauren Allerhand, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, puts it this way: “The prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brains involved in problem-solving and impulse control, isn’t fully developed until your mid-to-late twenties.” To put it plainly—teens are biologically less likely to be able to handle feelings than adults. Add that to an influx of hormones and you’ve got a situation.

Related: Doctor Mom Explains Why Teens Are So Mean—It’s Biological

The good news is that Hemmen has a great way to handle this. “Instead of engaging in whatever provocative statement they shoot your way in the form of a hot potato you can just say something compassionate, which is what they need anyway. And you can say, ‘You know, sweetie, I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, so I’m just going to give you space,’” she says.

Hemmen continues by saying that while you can offer to help, it isn’t the best thing you can do for your teens. Even if it goes against every fiber of your being, letting them make the mistakes, feel the emotions, and figure things out on their own is more important because you’ll allow them to develop the skills they’ll need as adults. So be there for them emotionally, always. But don’t offer the solutions, and don’t fix the problem, even when they’re tossing the hottest potato your way.