How To Handle Back Talk

Back talk is a common parenting challenge that can be frustrating to handle and tricky to navigate. Our kids don’t come with an instruction manual, and when parents also feel triggered or experience strong feelings, it can make it hard to handle things calmly.1 Although back talk is a normal developmental behavior, many parents wonder how to handle it constructively and respectfully.2,6 Regardless of whether your child is back talking because they want more independence, are pushing boundaries, or are struggling to manage big emotions, it’s important to understand how to respond appropriately.3,6 This article will cover what back talk is, explore why children do it, and help you challenge back talk with patience and confidence.

What Is Back Talk?

Back talk, also known as “back chatting,” “sassing,” or “talking back,” is a behavior that children or teens demonstrate when they respond in a disrespectful or argumentative way to being corrected or requested to follow a direction or rule.2 You might see and hear outright defiance (“I don’t have to!” or “You aren’t the boss of me!”). But back talk doesn’t always have to involve words; it could also be sarcasm or even an eye roll.2

Back talk is a communication problem, often triggered by feelings of overwhelm, being misunderstood, or wanting to be independent. The feelings themselves aren’t wrong, but instead of calmly asking for what they need or sharing their emotions, kids express themselves in a disrespectful way.2 Many parents aren’t sure how to handle back talk, as there’s a misconception that it’s solely about misbehavior. (Although it might be a pattern of learned behavior.) However, back talk is a typical part of development. It’s a normal (but challenging) way that children learn to express themselves and discover boundaries/limits.2

Why Do Children Talk Back? Understanding Back Talk

Back chatting and arguments are important elements of a child’s developing communication. They have to learn how to navigate having their say, expressing themselves, and setting their own boundaries. They just haven’t yet learned the skills to do this in an appropriate way.2 But back talk isn’t simply to irritate us or be disrespectful (although that might be the outcome). Recognizing the underlying reason or need behind your child’s back talk is the first step in handling it with more empathy and less frustration.2 Here are a few common reasons that back talk happens:1,2,3

1. Independence and Autonomy

As children grow up, they naturally want more independence and control over their world. We see this in the toddler years through the tween and teen years. When our kids talk back, they’re trying to test the limits of their freedom and figure out what they can control in their world.6 If a child wants more choice or control, they may talk back or be defiant as a way of claiming autonomy.7

2. Learned Behaviour and Modeling

Our children are little sponges, and they learn by watching the people around them.1 They might witness other children or even adults using sarcasm or being dismissive or argumentative. Then, they may adopt what they see and incorporate it into their own behavioral responses. Also, if children learn that answering back gets them what they want, they’re more likely to use this strategy in the future.1,3

3. Difficulty Managing Big Feelings

Our little ones can be full of big emotions and are still learning how to manage their feelings. So, when they experience a strong emotion like anger or frustration or feel overwhelmed, they might not have the capacity to express themselves effectively (or even calmly). Back chat can be a response to feeling overloaded or overwhelmed. It might be a mechanism for releasing big feelings that have built up.6,7

4. Seeking Connection

If children don’t feel seen or heard or don’t think their needs/wants/choices are being considered, they might use back talk to seek connection. We know that, for some kids, any connection or attention is good. So, if they feel overlooked or ignored, back talk might be a way of bringing the focus back to them.1,6

Strategies To Manage Back Talk

When it comes to addressing back talk, you’ll need a combination of skills and strategies — patience, empathy, and good communication skills of your own. Here are some key strategies for managing back talk in a positive way that improves your child’s respectful communication skills:1,4,5

1. Stay Cool, Calm, and Collected

It’s natural to feel frustrated or upset if your child speaks to you disrespectfully. But meeting fire with fire will just make things worse. (Remember the concept of modeling? Our kids are always watching and learning, and we don’t want to reiterate that this is an effective way of handling communication.1,6) Instead of reacting angrily, it’s important to pause, manage your emotions, and then consider a response. This might mean taking a deep breath, unclenching your fists, moving your body, or even pausing the conversation until you can handle things in a more respectful way. Don’t engage in the power struggle; model the kind of self-control you want to see your child demonstrate.

2. Give Your Child Choices

If back chat is occurring because your child is yearning for more independence, provide them with opportunities to make more choices in their life. These choices still need to be age-appropriate and developmentally appropriate, but instead of issuing a command or statement, you could ask them for their preference of opinion.3,6

For example, rather than saying, “It’s time to put your shoes on now,” you might ask them, “Do you want to put on your shoes first or brush your teeth first?” The boundary or expectation is still the same, but they now have a degree of choice. You could allow them other choices like what snack they want, what shirt they’d prefer to wear today, what bedtime story they’d like to read, etc. When children have an increased sense of autonomy, they’re less likely to engage in power struggles with you to take control.

3. Validate the Feeling, But Not the Behavior

If big emotions are driving your child’s behavior or they don’t feel acknowledged or understood, it’s important to validate those feelings.3 However, don’t validate their behavior because you don’t want them repeating it. Instead, help them learn how to manage their big feelings in more healthy and adaptive ways. You might say something like, “I can see that you feel really mad right now, and it’s okay to feel that way. But it’s not okay to use words like that when you speak to me.” This lets them know that you understand how they feel, which can help reduce defiance or back talk. It also shows that you’re still holding firm boundaries around acceptable behavior.3

4. Set Clear and Firm Boundaries

In addition to the previous point, supporting children also requires setting expectations about appropriate ways to express uncomfortable or intense emotions. Set very clear boundaries about what respectful communication is, and then be firm in upholding those boundaries.3,6 For example, “I know you’re feeling upset, but let’s talk when you can use kind and respectful words.” You need to be consistent with these boundaries to ensure back talk is reduced.5,6

5. Teach Them How To Cope

It’s not enough to put consequences in place if your child is back chatting. You’ll also need to teach them how to manage their emotions as well as problem-solving and communication skills.3,6 Teach them how to name different feelings and cope with big emotions, especially anger.8 Some coping techniques you might try include:

Showing them some calm breathing techniques

Helping them exert the physical energy that can come with feelings of anger (try activities like star jumps, running on the spot, jumping on a trampoline, etc.9)

Sharing a hug

Listening to music together

You also want to teach them how to share their feelings and seek help from others rather than back talking. Help them learn the language to express these needs, such as “I feel so angry right now” or “I need some time alone for a minute because I feel really frustrated.”

6. Catch Them Being Good

Sometimes, if our little ones have gotten into habits or patterns of responding with back chat, we need to change up the dynamic. You’ll probably be frustrated yourself and want to address every cross or defiant word you hear. Although it’s important to be consistent and address back talk when you hear it, you should balance things out by acknowledging positive behaviors just as often.1,6

For instance, “I can see you felt upset, but you took some deep breaths and used kind words instead. I really appreciate how hard you tried right now” or “I really appreciate how you just spoke to me. Your words were calm. Thank you.” This keeps things from getting too negative or focused on what they’re struggling with. It also highlights what kind of behavior(s) you’d like them to repeat.

The Bottom Line

Learning how to handle back talk is a process that requires patience and understanding. But when you understand why it’s happening and have strategies to promote positive interactions, you can manage this challenge more easily. If you approach back talk in the right way, it can actually become a great opportunity to teach your child new skills to manage big emotions and communicate respectfully. This helps foster your child’s emotional growth and can have a positive impact on your relationship with them.

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