It’s any given day of the week, and your kid is in the midst of a meltdown. They’re crying, you’re trying hard to stay calm, and the situation is just getting worse. Your first instinct is probably to try to be the voice of reason—but, the truth is, when a child is in the throes of a tantrum, it won’t do much to help. Nope, it’ll probably make things even more difficult because when all those emotions are flowing, your tot is disregulated. It’s pure sensory and emotional overload. Luckily, parenting coach Albiona Rakipi took to TikTok recently to offer a simple solution for how to handle toddler tantrums that helps kids get through them more easily.
@theparentingreframe Here is my unpopular response to this question. It’s the one thing all well intentioned politicians parents do, that’s making the tantrum worse
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Related: 5 Easy Sensory Activities That Help Prevent Meltdowns & Tantrums
Her advice? Stop talking! Seems almost counterproductive, right? However, according to Rakipi, when a child has reached a certain point, your words will only overstimulate them even more. After all, to a kid in this state, it’s just more noise. “All we’re doing is adding to that sensory load. We’re giving them auditory input to take in and to manage, and they don’t have the bandwidth to do this. So what ends up happening is, when you’re talking to them, it becomes more demands on them, and they escalate and grow more frustrated, and that tantrum goes from a level five to a level eight to eventually a level 10,” she says.
It’s hard to recognize this in the heat of the moment. We’ve all been there. All we want is for them to understand the boundaries we’re setting and that actions have consequences. Rapiki elaborates, “Most parents will come to me and say, ‘I don’t know what to do. I have tried everything. I try talking to them. I tried explaining to them why I had to take the iPad away. I told them. I gave them a five-minute warning. I gave them a 10-minute warning.’”
But here’s the thing. When kids react to your words during a meltdown, it doesn’t mean your boundary isn’t appropriate or that they’re just stubborn. It simply means kids will respond to that boundary on their terms, and it’s up to you to either validate their emotions and regulate your nervous system or keep talking and watch their emotions grow.
Here’s a scenario: Your kid has reached the limits of their screentime. You give them the five-minute warning. When the time comes to put away the iPad and they don’t want to give it up, chaos ensues. They’re crying, whining, and throwing out every reason they should get another 10 minutes. You take the device, and they lose it. So, you start explaining screentime rules and the reasons behind them.
Rapiki offers an example: “Most parents in that moment will resort to over-explaining the boundary they’re setting. ‘I have to take the iPad away. It’s not okay to play on the iPad for that long. You know, it’s not good for your brain.’”
While we think this type of response is helpful for kids, Rapiki stresses that it’s not. To put it plainly, you’re talking too much. “Kids don’t need you to quote the doctor’s advice about screentime. They don’t care. They don’t need a deep dive into the research of why screens aren’t okay. They just need to feel sad because they didn’t get the outcome that they wanted. The more we’re talking to them, it’s just causing that escalation to get worse,” she says. Kids need to learn to self-regulate, and nothing you say will help when they’re overstimulated. They can’t hear it.
What can we do instead? State the boundary, be empathetic, and move on. This doesn’t mean you’re being permissive or giving in to their demands. It simply means you’re showing them how to properly feel their emotions and deal with them in a healthy way. “Don’t take the bait; don’t fight with them; don’t argue with them. Wait until they completely self-regulate and get calm. That’s going to move you through tantrums much faster than sitting and arguing with them or trying to explain your reasoning,” says Rapiki.
So go ahead and do less. It might just make life easier for everyone sometimes.