In many ways, grandparents have it so good. They get to see the children they raised bringing up their own bundles of joy. They get all the giggles, the snuggles, and the hilariously silly things their grandchildren say, but then when their visit is over, they can hand those rambunctious little muffins back to their parents and head home for some quiet. It’s a win-win for the whole family. But no one is perfect, and sometimes during their time together, grandmas and grandpas unintentionally do things that can put a strain on these relationships.
In a recent TikTok, DeeDee Moore, founder of More Than Grand, a resource for grandparents who want to strengthen the bond between generations, discusses one of the biggest mistakes she’s seen: grandparents thinking their relationship with grandkids is separate from their relationship with their parents.
@morethangrand This changes everything about how you approach grandparenting. When you support the parents, you support your relationship with your grandchildren. It’s that simple. Want to know what the other big mistakes grandparents make are? Read “Grandparent Mistakes” on my blog–link in bio! #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #grannytok #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting
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Why is this mistake so important to recognize as a grandparent?
There will be times when you disagree with the parenting methods your son or daughter or their partners are using. And you might be tempted to offer your own advice, or even criticize the way they handle the grandkids, but in the long run, it can be more detrimental to little ones than you thought possible.
“A grandparent will criticize the mom or dad, maybe question their parenting choices or ignore their boundaries, but then expect to have this amazing, close relationship with the grandchildren,” she says.
Well, grandkids aren’t their parents, right? They have their own thoughts, personalities, and opinions. All true, but to put it simply, they aren’t your kids. And it isn’t fair to put them in a position where they’re caught in the middle of a conflict between you and your own adult child.
Moore explains: “When you undermine the parents, you’re actually damaging your relationship with your grandchildren, because those grandchildren see everything. They see how you treat their mom. They see when you roll your eyes at their dad’s rules. They feel the tension when you disagree with their parents’ decisions. And what you’re teaching them is that it’s okay to disrespect the people they love most.”
To maintain a healthy and happy relationship with your grandkids, the most important thing you can do is keep your thoughts to yourself. If you really feel it’s important to say something, do so when the kids aren’t within earshot.
“When you support the parents, when you respect their boundaries and affirm their choices, when you work with them instead of against them, you’re showing those children what love and respect actually look like. You’re strengthening every single relationship in that family. Your grandchildren are always watching. Make sure they’re learning about love, not disrespect,” says Moore.