Parents are no strangers to conflict. Trying to raise tiny humans means two people with different (or too similar) personalities trying to meet in the middle—so yeah, there’s bound to be some pushback. But power struggles are exhausting, and oftentimes escalated by parents, even if we don’t recognize it. In a recent Instagram post, Dr. Mona Amin, pediatrician and mom of two, explains that it isn’t about being the perfect parent but being a strategic one. The key is to respond the right way during a confrontation because what we say makes all the difference.
Instead of a total meltdown or you losing your cool, the right response helps kids regulate their system, which tends to de-escalate heated moments. “As the grown-up, we have to be the one to tame it down when there is a power struggle. Our children don’t have developed emotional centers like we do, and adding chaos and that tug of war will only escalate things,” she says.
Related: 6 Phrases to Avoid Saying to Your Toddler
HealthDr. Mona also shared nine phrases that make power struggles worse, and what to say instead
Don’t say: “You are wearing this jacket. End of story.”
Do say: “I’m taking your jacket, so if you get cold, you can wear it.”
The reason: Demanding that your child wear an article of clothing isn’t necessarily about making sure your child stays warm. It’s about winning the battle. Instead of saying your child has no choice but to do what you say, give them options. If it isn’t a big deal, let it go.
Don’t say: “If you just do what I say, I’ll give you a lollipop.”
Do say: “You’re upset. We can take a moment. I’m here if you need it.”
The reason: We’ve all been there. Offering up a reward just to get a kid to leave a park, get ready for bed, put on their shoes, whatever, sometimes feels like the only option. But truthfully, it’s a bribe in the heat of the moment. According to Amin, it’s better to acknowledge and support regulation instead of desperately offering something you know your kid wants. Eventually, they’ll come to expect something instead of learning how to control their emotions and make good decisions.
Don’t say: “You made a mess again.”
Do say: “Oh, you spilled. Yep, spill. Spills happen. We’ll clean it up together. Let’s get a paper towel.”
The reason: When you add shame to the moment, you’re breaking your kid down, even if it’s unintentional. It’s more important to normalize mistakes because nobody is perfect. Not you, not your kid. Kids are messy, kids are curious. Allowing them to know they’re in a safe space to make a mistake is important.
Don’t say: “You are being so difficult. I said no. It’s lunchtime.”
Do say: “I know you want to go, but we can’t. It’s lunchtime right now. Do you want the blue plate or the green plate?”
The reason: Amin explains that it’s better to stay calm and matter-of-fact and even distract them with a question than join their escalation. Telling a child they’re being difficult is engaging in a heated moment rather than moving away from it.
Don’t say: “How many times do I have to explain this to you?”
Do say: “We can’t stay because we’re going to be late for dinner, and everyone’s waiting for us. I know it’s hard to leave fun things, but we have to go now. I’m here with you. We can walk together.”
The reason: When kids are upset, over-explaining something doesn’t help. It goes in one ear and out the other. It’s best to keep your answer calm and clear.
Don’t say: “You’re not listening to me.”
Do say: “Hey, this feels off. Let’s try a do-over.”
The reason: Being stubborn never helps anyone during a power struggle. When you double down in the moment, the situation is bound to escalate. Instead, try to pause the moment and start the conversation over.
Don’t say: “You can’t do that. You’re going to spill.”
Do say: “You really want to do this. Let’s do it together. Okay, so I’ll hold the bowl and you can pour.”
The reason: Kids often feel like they have no choice, that they have no power, and making a situation about you vs. them leads to frustration. This is your chance as a parent to stay calm, be patient, and collaborate as a team.
Don’t say: “Yeah, just brush your teeth already.”
Do say: “Okay, it’s time to brush. You want to sing? ‘I Like Big Teeth and I Cannot Lie’ or ‘When I Brush, You Brush, We Brush’.”
The reason: Bedtime battles are no joke. Everyone is tired, and sometimes it feels like there are still a million tasks left to accomplish before you can call it a night. When you make something fun, you’re using play to defuse the tension. Sometimes, that’s all you need to get kids to calm themselves down.
Don’t say: “This isn’t a big deal.”
Do say: “That was tough. Do you want a hug before we try again?”
The reason: It’s important to try to put yourself in their shoes. What might not seem important to you could be the whole world to a toddler or preschool child. When you ignore emotional cues, you’re missing out on a chance for your child to feel seen.